my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize