I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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