Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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