Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Randomize
