Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
