a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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