I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
