My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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