i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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