i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
