You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
