She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
