My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
