That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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