And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
