So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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