dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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