I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
