If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
