She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
