Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
