I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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