He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
