fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
