I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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