I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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