i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
