Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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