We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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