he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
