is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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