Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
