I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
My bed smells like the plague
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
