I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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