I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
