Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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