The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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