that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
