I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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