Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Maybe he injected his testicle?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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