Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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