every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
