turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
