Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
