A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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