I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
