Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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