I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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