I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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