You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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