She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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