I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
