i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Randomize
