dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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