you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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