..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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