all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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