It's chlamydia! Thank God!
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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