if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
